Many Thoughts Swirling About...... Weight 190.2 190.4 190.6

Yeah, I got on the scale three times today................ at least three.  These were the three different readings I got.  I was tempted to post my weight as 190.2 but that's only 1/3 correct.  Is that at least some evidence of how the scale rules and lords over me?  Yesterday was a very bad eating day and during the night when I was supposed to be sleeping I found myself thinking thinking thinking.  About what's really bugging me. 

Top of the list

My sister

The rest in no particular order are:

• my health
• my husband's health
• our daughter R's rental property situation
• our daughter S's bad back from the car accident
• our daugher P's wildness (really, she is tame, but there are bits of it in there!!)
• Our new house situation, build.... don't build
• Husband's job
• Are we moving? Not moving?  Build your dream home, then we'll move you! ????
• Upcoming holiday to BC without the dog, using my cousins home for the holiday
• my weight
• my TOPS friends
• my trailer (who sells a trailer that's been flooded and not say anything????)
• church
• my friend who moved up north
• an upcoming wedding

.................... gah. 

The Sister

I have a sister who suffers from mental illness and has for years.  She lives about an hour and a half from me, and my other sister lives in the same city but it's a large city so they are about an hour apart too.  In good traffic it might be less.  My sister isn't going to be able to live on her own and really hasn't done a good job of it for a long time now.  We've all tried to help, my other sister 90% of it but it has taken it's toll on her and her husband and their children.  It is not helping either.  IF we saw progress it would not be so hard to even pick up the phone.  Another blogger wrote about visiting her sister in a group home and it made me cry to think I could relate so completely to the dismissive attitude she got.  I've bought her so many things to try and help, then I find them pitched or still in their wrappers.  So I've stopped bothering very much.  What is the point of it?  (bad attitude I know) I asked her about the pill container I bought for her, I was so excited about it because it had 4 compartments so she would never be at a loss if she took her meds or not.  She never mentioned it so I brought it up today.  Her comment, "yeah, I left that at (other sisters) because it's too big.  It's SO big, God, what is that even for?  I didn't really take a look at it, I can't use something so BIG and because it's plastic it smells funny". Youre welcome.  :O  I spent two hours on the phone with her today.  It's so frustrating it makes me want to throw something.  Something BIG.  lol. 

What I know for sure is:

She is ill
She won't comply with the psychiatrists plan for her
She is non compliant with medications
She acts very mean when she is off medications
She threatens suicide every time we talk
She plays me against our other sister
She is under the care of mental health
She can call crisis lines and has phone numbers for professionals

I also know:

I can't fix her, no matter what I try or think will work.... she has to be the one to want it.
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I can't let go and just say forget it, I'm done with you

What's in between? That is what I lose sleep over. How can I watch? How can I be there to help if she finally decides to try?

Secretly, in the deep dark corners of my mind I *wish* she didn't exist and when she brings up suicide a little part of me thinks that's a reasonable plan for someone who won't do anything positive and is too stubborn to believe anyone about how to go about trying. This is not a good feeling to have and honestly I don't believe it is the answer. BUT.  There it is. She said today if she wasn't a coward she would do it.  I told her I didn't think she would and that she does things to show she really does care about herself. She goes to the doctor when she's sick, she takes antibiotics, x-rays, all kinds of things. She is at her doctor's office at least once a week with a new problem (part of the mental illness that she invents things wrong with her). I do know that she does consider the things we talk about and has even mentioned them after the fact. When I said I didn't think she'd do it that certainly wasn't put into a context of I DARE YOU.  I find myself listening to her and praying to God to give me the right words to guide our conversation so I don't hang up and have immense guilt.  He never fails me, but I still know it isn't me that can fix it. 

Today.  Thoughts.... Some Meditation...... and a Plan for Supper

Today I must be very mindful of my eating.  I must eat things that I won't overdo.  I can't make the meatballs I was planning on making.  Too easy to dive in and take too much.  I have to face the anguish today and know that food will be my primary desire to dislodge my thoughts......... even for a while.  I can't do it.  I have figured out why people drink though.  I could very easily use alcohol to numb things.  I do however know that this would not take away my sister's problems and just add one to me and to everyone who loves me.  I won't go down that route.  Now I have to consider that I'm making food my drug of choice and stop doing it.  It must merely be nourishment and part of a joyful life.  Today I will make chicken, rice and steamed vegetables.

All the other things on my list are not so catastrophic are they.  Most are things I can't do anything about and if I never worried for another second the outcome would be the same. 

Until tomorrow.