Packing Packing Packing

Not packing per se, just sorting, cleaning and preparing. The packing will happen later tonight once the pug is tucked in for the night. What he doesn't see won't make him nervous. ;-)
While I'm busy I'm trying to listen to a book on CD. It's for my book club and it's just okay so far...... I'm trying to stick with it though!
A great quote from it though
It's easier to see something coming when it's not headed directly at you

I will have to ponder that more........and acknowledge that it's something I should try to pay more attention to.

Not Exactly a Welcome Sight! Weight: 191.4

I knew supper was salty, but really? THAT salty?? We had pulled pork sandwiches and oriental cabbage salad. I didn't have a bun! I just ate salad, about 1/4 - 1/3 pulled pork and a whole sliced avocado for supper. No night snacking, reasonable eats all day long. My reward for a fine day of eating? B-I-G gain. Sigh. More reasons not to let the scale define a person right? I could react my usual way..... But today instead I will continue with my plan. Eat less and move more. I will add a lot more water to my day. Now I'm trying to decide if my scale is coming on the trip with me.........I always do better weighing myself daily, but real estate in the car is at an all time premium. How would I tell the teen aged girls to leave the hair products if they saw me packing a bathroom scale??? Anyone reading this who doesn't understand scale vs. brain will now be shaking their heads.......

I will hopefully report a much better number tomorrow!

Anxious for Tomorrow's Scale Reading

I'm actually anxious to see what the scale reads tomorrow. I feel a bit different about food these days. It sort of feels like its been put "in it's place". I'm thrilled to report that many of my tasks required to get ready for holidays are complete and the biggest obstacle is gone. I thought I had to do a 1.5 hour road trip to take my dog to my daughter for the week. Turns out she is visiting her friend here in town and she will just pack up the dog and take him back with her! Three hours round trip saved yeah! I brought up my disappointment with the holiday, and my husband spoke to the girls and I feel so much better. I'm trying so hard to stick with my feelings and FEEL THEM. Not eat them. Reading some blogs of some amazing people has helped so much. I wish I could hug them.
 Until tomorrow..... Fingers crossed for a new low on the scale!

My Pantry is a Disaster Weight: 189.8

I wish I could put a picture of my pantry here, maybe I'll ask one of my kids to help me figure out how....... But then they might read this blog........then I'd have to be careful of what I say........

I guess I will just have to clean my pantry and get over it. I have so much to do today and tomorrow. It's not going to get done.

I'm eating a nectarine, getting out ingredients to make banana muffins and blogging. And making my list of what I have to get done.  I am starving. Yes, there is hunger but the feeling is actually stress. I do know the difference if I stop to think about it. I've decided to make myself breakfast, sit down and eat. That way snacking won't be an option. I will complete my list too........

Second Post, Lots of Garbage Today!! :)

I've noticed a big difference in my hunger since I started this blog. Is that normal? I don't seem to be quite as focused on eating and I'm not stalking the pantry as often. Please tell me writing out this stuff is helping!

My sisters case worker told me I had to take EVERY suicide comment seriously and phone 911 after I hang up with her........ I would phone 100% of the times we talk. Does this seem a reasonable action? Wouldn't a more reasonable and health. Are effective action be to intensify her structured therapy? Maybe an EMT for a room mate? Yes, that is a creepy thi g to say but really I think that this case worker needs to talk to my sister about throwing that phrase around like that instead of telling me to call 911. Ah well. I will have to talk to my other sister and see what she's got to say about it all. We are trying very hard to work as a united team in this challenge. Oh, here comes the hubs and we are off to the trailer! Gotta check our damages.

Garbage Day: Weight 190.8

Wrong Direction Tessie! :(

The scale is showing day before yesterday's horrible eating. The good part is yesterday was much better and even though I was certainly challenged with emotions I CHOSE much better. 

Saturday we will leave home for a week and go to the mountains. It's been years since I did that, and was looking so forward to a nice romantic week with my sweetie. Through a series of events that romantic wine tour through the Okanagan countryside turned into a week at my cousins place complete with three teen girls. While I'm excited, I'm also selfishly sad. My girls have never had this opportunity so I really cant be a total creep about it. AND there is the cruise in December for my birthday. Nobody will be coming with us for that!! It sounds like I don't like my kids, and that's sooooo not true....... But I also don't think it is going on holidays when I end up cooking daily for five people! We did that in Hawaii, got a condo and all I did was buy groceries and prepare food. Some day I will miss these things won't I !! I've said right up front that there is no way we are going to have big meals at the house. It will be too hot for one and also clean up is too much of an argument. I'm planning on making the best granola bars in the world later today..... And then perhaps scouting some recipes for breakfast muffins. I don't want to take a ton of food but also don't want to be left without good choices. There you have it, the reason I cook and prepare is not because of them but because of ME AND MY CONTROLLING FOOD ISSUES. I've got such a busy day I've got to get a move on. Time to clear out the fridge and junk the perishables that we won't eat by Friday night. Tomorrow the scale WILL read a better number! 

Many Thoughts Swirling About...... Weight 190.2 190.4 190.6

Yeah, I got on the scale three times today................ at least three.  These were the three different readings I got.  I was tempted to post my weight as 190.2 but that's only 1/3 correct.  Is that at least some evidence of how the scale rules and lords over me?  Yesterday was a very bad eating day and during the night when I was supposed to be sleeping I found myself thinking thinking thinking.  About what's really bugging me. 

Top of the list

My sister

The rest in no particular order are:

• my health
• my husband's health
• our daughter R's rental property situation
• our daughter S's bad back from the car accident
• our daugher P's wildness (really, she is tame, but there are bits of it in there!!)
• Our new house situation, build.... don't build
• Husband's job
• Are we moving? Not moving?  Build your dream home, then we'll move you! ????
• Upcoming holiday to BC without the dog, using my cousins home for the holiday
• my weight
• my TOPS friends
• my trailer (who sells a trailer that's been flooded and not say anything????)
• church
• my friend who moved up north
• an upcoming wedding

.................... gah. 

The Sister

I have a sister who suffers from mental illness and has for years.  She lives about an hour and a half from me, and my other sister lives in the same city but it's a large city so they are about an hour apart too.  In good traffic it might be less.  My sister isn't going to be able to live on her own and really hasn't done a good job of it for a long time now.  We've all tried to help, my other sister 90% of it but it has taken it's toll on her and her husband and their children.  It is not helping either.  IF we saw progress it would not be so hard to even pick up the phone.  Another blogger wrote about visiting her sister in a group home and it made me cry to think I could relate so completely to the dismissive attitude she got.  I've bought her so many things to try and help, then I find them pitched or still in their wrappers.  So I've stopped bothering very much.  What is the point of it?  (bad attitude I know) I asked her about the pill container I bought for her, I was so excited about it because it had 4 compartments so she would never be at a loss if she took her meds or not.  She never mentioned it so I brought it up today.  Her comment, "yeah, I left that at (other sisters) because it's too big.  It's SO big, God, what is that even for?  I didn't really take a look at it, I can't use something so BIG and because it's plastic it smells funny". Youre welcome.  :O  I spent two hours on the phone with her today.  It's so frustrating it makes me want to throw something.  Something BIG.  lol. 

What I know for sure is:

She is ill
She won't comply with the psychiatrists plan for her
She is non compliant with medications
She acts very mean when she is off medications
She threatens suicide every time we talk
She plays me against our other sister
She is under the care of mental health
She can call crisis lines and has phone numbers for professionals

I also know:

I can't fix her, no matter what I try or think will work.... she has to be the one to want it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I can't let go and just say forget it, I'm done with you

What's in between? That is what I lose sleep over. How can I watch? How can I be there to help if she finally decides to try?

Secretly, in the deep dark corners of my mind I *wish* she didn't exist and when she brings up suicide a little part of me thinks that's a reasonable plan for someone who won't do anything positive and is too stubborn to believe anyone about how to go about trying. This is not a good feeling to have and honestly I don't believe it is the answer. BUT.  There it is. She said today if she wasn't a coward she would do it.  I told her I didn't think she would and that she does things to show she really does care about herself. She goes to the doctor when she's sick, she takes antibiotics, x-rays, all kinds of things. She is at her doctor's office at least once a week with a new problem (part of the mental illness that she invents things wrong with her). I do know that she does consider the things we talk about and has even mentioned them after the fact. When I said I didn't think she'd do it that certainly wasn't put into a context of I DARE YOU.  I find myself listening to her and praying to God to give me the right words to guide our conversation so I don't hang up and have immense guilt.  He never fails me, but I still know it isn't me that can fix it. 

Today.  Thoughts.... Some Meditation...... and a Plan for Supper

Today I must be very mindful of my eating.  I must eat things that I won't overdo.  I can't make the meatballs I was planning on making.  Too easy to dive in and take too much.  I have to face the anguish today and know that food will be my primary desire to dislodge my thoughts......... even for a while.  I can't do it.  I have figured out why people drink though.  I could very easily use alcohol to numb things.  I do however know that this would not take away my sister's problems and just add one to me and to everyone who loves me.  I won't go down that route.  Now I have to consider that I'm making food my drug of choice and stop doing it.  It must merely be nourishment and part of a joyful life.  Today I will make chicken, rice and steamed vegetables.

All the other things on my list are not so catastrophic are they.  Most are things I can't do anything about and if I never worried for another second the outcome would be the same. 

Until tomorrow.