Many Thoughts Swirling About...... Weight 190.2 190.4 190.6

Yeah, I got on the scale three times today................ at least three.  These were the three different readings I got.  I was tempted to post my weight as 190.2 but that's only 1/3 correct.  Is that at least some evidence of how the scale rules and lords over me?  Yesterday was a very bad eating day and during the night when I was supposed to be sleeping I found myself thinking thinking thinking.  About what's really bugging me. 

Top of the list

My sister

The rest in no particular order are:

• my health
• my husband's health
• our daughter R's rental property situation
• our daughter S's bad back from the car accident
• our daugher P's wildness (really, she is tame, but there are bits of it in there!!)
• Our new house situation, build.... don't build
• Husband's job
• Are we moving? Not moving?  Build your dream home, then we'll move you! ????
• Upcoming holiday to BC without the dog, using my cousins home for the holiday
• my weight
• my TOPS friends
• my trailer (who sells a trailer that's been flooded and not say anything????)
• church
• my friend who moved up north
• an upcoming wedding

.................... gah. 

The Sister

I have a sister who suffers from mental illness and has for years.  She lives about an hour and a half from me, and my other sister lives in the same city but it's a large city so they are about an hour apart too.  In good traffic it might be less.  My sister isn't going to be able to live on her own and really hasn't done a good job of it for a long time now.  We've all tried to help, my other sister 90% of it but it has taken it's toll on her and her husband and their children.  It is not helping either.  IF we saw progress it would not be so hard to even pick up the phone.  Another blogger wrote about visiting her sister in a group home and it made me cry to think I could relate so completely to the dismissive attitude she got.  I've bought her so many things to try and help, then I find them pitched or still in their wrappers.  So I've stopped bothering very much.  What is the point of it?  (bad attitude I know) I asked her about the pill container I bought for her, I was so excited about it because it had 4 compartments so she would never be at a loss if she took her meds or not.  She never mentioned it so I brought it up today.  Her comment, "yeah, I left that at (other sisters) because it's too big.  It's SO big, God, what is that even for?  I didn't really take a look at it, I can't use something so BIG and because it's plastic it smells funny". Youre welcome.  :O  I spent two hours on the phone with her today.  It's so frustrating it makes me want to throw something.  Something BIG.  lol. 

What I know for sure is:

She is ill
She won't comply with the psychiatrists plan for her
She is non compliant with medications
She acts very mean when she is off medications
She threatens suicide every time we talk
She plays me against our other sister
She is under the care of mental health
She can call crisis lines and has phone numbers for professionals

I also know:

I can't fix her, no matter what I try or think will work.... she has to be the one to want it.
.
.
.
.
.
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I can't let go and just say forget it, I'm done with you

What's in between? That is what I lose sleep over. How can I watch? How can I be there to help if she finally decides to try?

Secretly, in the deep dark corners of my mind I *wish* she didn't exist and when she brings up suicide a little part of me thinks that's a reasonable plan for someone who won't do anything positive and is too stubborn to believe anyone about how to go about trying. This is not a good feeling to have and honestly I don't believe it is the answer. BUT.  There it is. She said today if she wasn't a coward she would do it.  I told her I didn't think she would and that she does things to show she really does care about herself. She goes to the doctor when she's sick, she takes antibiotics, x-rays, all kinds of things. She is at her doctor's office at least once a week with a new problem (part of the mental illness that she invents things wrong with her). I do know that she does consider the things we talk about and has even mentioned them after the fact. When I said I didn't think she'd do it that certainly wasn't put into a context of I DARE YOU.  I find myself listening to her and praying to God to give me the right words to guide our conversation so I don't hang up and have immense guilt.  He never fails me, but I still know it isn't me that can fix it. 

Today.  Thoughts.... Some Meditation...... and a Plan for Supper

Today I must be very mindful of my eating.  I must eat things that I won't overdo.  I can't make the meatballs I was planning on making.  Too easy to dive in and take too much.  I have to face the anguish today and know that food will be my primary desire to dislodge my thoughts......... even for a while.  I can't do it.  I have figured out why people drink though.  I could very easily use alcohol to numb things.  I do however know that this would not take away my sister's problems and just add one to me and to everyone who loves me.  I won't go down that route.  Now I have to consider that I'm making food my drug of choice and stop doing it.  It must merely be nourishment and part of a joyful life.  Today I will make chicken, rice and steamed vegetables.

All the other things on my list are not so catastrophic are they.  Most are things I can't do anything about and if I never worried for another second the outcome would be the same. 

Until tomorrow.

Monday August 13. Weight 190.0

I must be somewhat comfortable with my weight or I would put a stronger effort into losing, don't you think? Is it my lack of desire? My inability to muster enough energy? Depression? Why? I have had a tough day and food was very bad today. Eating and thinking about eating distracts me from everything I don't want to think about because I can't fix it. I'm not making excuses, it is a complete abuse of food.
I guess I should write down what's bugging me and take the wind out of its sails. I've told my kids that time and time again. Now I need to take my own advice. I will spend more time tomorrow on the list of what's bugging me. I better move to the downstairs computer so I can type faster. This iPad is handy but a pain for typing. Until tomorrow.......

So. Tired

It has been an emotional roller coaster today. I'm going to take some Tylenol body aches and go to bed. We looked at our lot and all the deep services are in, as well as a few shallow ones. We were able to see where our lot would be and discovered a very unusual sight...... A fire hydrant at the back of our lot. For a fire truck to get to this place would mean a ROAD! We went to the city site. Nothing but a blank area. Then we thought we should look at the developers site. BINGO. it appears we are scheduled to have a strip mall behind our lot. It would be a distance away, but I can't tell you how not excited I am with the potential of a Burger King or other flame-broiled-grease-pumping fast food stop. I.want.to.cry.

August 11. Saturday . Weight: 190.0

Challenge Ahead!

I really need to learn how to master dining out...... And portion control....... And eating leftovers.........and night snacking.  Oy, this is going to take some effort isn't it? I'm one of those people who "know it all" . I have read so many books, attended workshops, retreats and researched so much about losing weight, but really it's time for me to get back to doing it instead of learning it. Who really cares if it's a perfect day? It needs to be a day of honest effort not perfection. When I have successfully lost weight I have NOT been perfect..... But it worked. It's time to work it again.

Today's challenge is a trip to Calgary for the day. My emotions are so mixed. When we planned this trip I was giddy with excitement. We are going to look at nice stoves, gas or dual fuel choices. We are in the infant stages of planning our next home but have never built before. After we put a deposit on a lot to hold it my husband met with his boss who asked I'm what he thought about being mobile, what he thought of another section of the company, and the same afternoon Human Resources asked him to update his resume "just for their records". This has thrown me for a loop. I knew I was going to use food as a distraction and was fully aware it wasn't hunger. I ate a one pound package of blueberries. ONE AT A TIME. I consider this a great success for a few reasons. We had junk food I could have selected. The blueberries were going to go bad if someone didn't eat them. I snacked, it filled the void and took forever. I managed to not do damage to myself but work WITH my issues. My ultimate goal is to replace the food with other things. For now though the fact that I'm at least aware of the binge potential and not doing it is my success story. After the stove adventure we plan on looking at the dream home and buy tickets, we can see what's popular and updated as well as enjoy the afternoon doing something we don't usually do. Then we are going for dinner with our whole family to celebrate two birthdays. It is an Italian restaurant so I know I will be wanting to order calamari. I just can't eat like this if I'm serious about losing weight. They have an online menu and I'm going to select ahead and not waiver. That's my goal for today. Oh, and no booze. If I drink a glass of wine I'm done for to stay with my meal plan!!

What's My Story?

Friday, August 10. Weight: 190.0

I guess a good place to start is how and why I am currently overweight...... Yes.......obese. What a horrible word in itself. If you asked one million people to describe words they associate with obese I'm guessing there would be a very long judgemental list that had NOTHING to do with BMI .

The first time I remember going on a "diet" was when I was nine years old. My aunt and uncle and their three kids spent more time with our family than separated from us (or so it felt). They were always there and we shared meals & holidays & kids & gardens & cars. My aunt was always dieting, and asked me if I wanted to go on a diet with her. I weighed 118 pounds. She said she would pay me a dollar per pound. I've always been a lover of stationary.... Little books, journals.....you name it I collected them. I seemed to think my success was going to be quick, amazing and painless. I got a real balance sheet book and made columns for everything. Weight, height ( like it was going to change daily ha ha) and all kinds of other important data. The most important column was the pounds lost. Now that I'm older and  wiser I shake my head at my motivation being how many dollars I could collect and then buy candy! I think I lost a few pounds, maybe five. That was the first time I really remember failing at a diet. It hurt.

I suffered no abuse, no neglect, no broken home or clear family issues that so many other poor souls endure. My family was as picture perfect as any carefree little kid could hope for. Our European (mix of Polish, Ukranian, Austrian & Russian) ancestors produced generations of five foot tall little ladies that knew only two words EAT & EAT MORE.  Food was love, it showed you cared, it healed anything from broken toys to broken hearts. Food was the center of the home, the red carpet was really the red table cloth ;-) . When I met my husband and he was introduced to my family he was not prepared for them! Sixty seven first cousins on my moms side alone........ Focused on gathering, eating and chatting.  I loved the whole experience. I was a good eater and always pleased my aunts, my grandma, everyone. I seriously don't think I was born with a full meter on my stomach. There were many occasions that I ate enough to throw up. I really miss that life. There are gatherings like that within my cousins etc, but since my parents died ten years ago my connections to the extended family were broken.

As I grew up and graduated high school all of my friends went their separate ways. Our family had no money for post secondary school...... And to be honest if they had sent me I was neither mature enough or focused enough to know what a gift it was and I'd have struggled to pass. Since I had no friends around, no parties, no camping trips I just hung around home and worked part time. The weight melted off of me with very little effort and I was about 25-30 pounds lighter than I was when I graduated. Since I hadn't worked on it I never really noticed or focused on it. I was at one of my lightest points when I met my super handsome love of my life husband. By the time we married I was back up 20 pounds and then another 25 within the first few years of our marriage. I joined weight watchers, and will save that for another day of story telling. I was now 25, 175 pounds...... And pregnant. Having kids two years apart I finished at the third one with a whopping 229.75 pounds on my short 5'1" frame. Thirty years old and hardly able to function. Three little kids that I couldn't keep up with. I had to do SOMETHING. I was lower than low.

Some of the things I tried along the way...... And I'm convinced they helped me gain weight more than lose it!!
Calorie counting
Cabbage Soup Diet
Weight Watchers
Medifast
 Nutrisystem
Diet Center
The Neuropsychology of Weight Control
Every 3:00 AM Infomercial


Every book printed

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Rather Embarrassed, but back.....heavier. 189.4

189.4 Thursday August 9, 2012

This looks a bit like Bridget Jones, but I guess until I find what will work best for me I am just going to have to copy other blogs that I admire...... I should watch that movie again. It makes me feel less neurotic some how. 

My first goal is to get back to my last TOPS weigh in weight. I am 90% sure it was 181.0  so this is doable shorter term, I totally know that if I stop the daily garbage the edema will decrease and I will not only drop weight, I will feel better and get that sense of accomplishment I so desire. 

Why I Want This:

• I don't feel well at this weight, I'm tired, cranky, headaches daily
•  I can't fit into my nice clothes
•  I am embarrassed by my backslide....... And backside!
•  This weight is keeping me from being active and enjoying life
•  I'm distancing myself from people because I'm fat.
• That's a start, I will keep adding more 

 What I'm Going To Do About Losing Weight: Today

I am committing to blogging every single day from today until the end of August. This includes our week away beginning Saturday.......... August 18-25. I will weigh in every day and post the weight. I will try to figure out how to do a side ticker with dates and weights.